Never lie to your granny!!

Lucy was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.As Lucy stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.Lucy, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!'..........The policeman fainted........

Teething problems!!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him."I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."The man replied, "I'm not a dentist..... I'm an undertaker!!!."

on ther way home from the bar!!

John and Jessica where on their way home from the bar one night when John was pulled over by the garda,the garda told John we was stopped because of a broken tail light,John said I'm very sorry officer i did not realise it had blown and ill get it fixed right away,just then Jessica interrupted and said i knew this would happen:i told you to get that light fixed 2 weeks ago!!
So the garda asked john for his driving license and after looking at it he said sir this license is expired and again John apologised and mentioned he did not realise it had expired and said he would take care of it first thing the next morning;Jessica again interrupted and said i told you only last week the department had sent you another reminder that your license had expired!!
well by this time john was getting quiet upset with his wife contradicting him all the time in front of the guards and he said in a rather loud voice... JESSICA WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! The garda then leaned over towards Jessica and asked... does your husband usually speak to you like that?
Jessica replied no....only when hes drunk!!!

12 priests

12 priests
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight line, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests and was very upset that she couldnt arouse the priests until she got to the final priest, Sean.
Poor Sean. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground to where it lay to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Sean quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up. . . . . and all the other bells started to ring!!!!!

It may be baby safe but not greyhound safe!!!!

Joke

A London Cab driver picked up a well-to do oriental buisnessman from Heathrow Airport. On the trip into London he told the driver he had flown over from Singapore to back one of the dogs he owned in a race at wimbledon. His trainer had told him that this was the big one and he was positive the dog would win at a big price.Being an obssesive gambler the cabbie couldn't wait from him to tell him the name of the dog.After he paid the fare he slipped him a note with the dogs name
................................¬/.>`#<,```¬ -**"%


A man was walking down the road with his prized greyhound and he saw his mate. His mate said to him what are you going to do with that, the man replied 'race it'
the 2nd man then said well by the looks of it you will win!!!!

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Stocks are strictly limited to 3 tee shirts per order due to unprecedented demand

Joke

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won the pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered him again and he won again the local paper read.. PASTORS ASS OUT IN FRONT... The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper read... BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.... This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent the local paper hearing of the news posted the following headline the next day... NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN....The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the local paper read... NUNS SELLS ASS FOR $10....This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read.. NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE....The bishop was buried the next day.

Joke

A greyhound was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket. "Any chance of a game?" he asked the captain. At first the captain was taken aback by the talking dog, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the dog out as opening bat. The dog shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the dog to run. But the dog just stood there. Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. "Why didn't you run?" roared the captain. "Listen mate," said the dog, "if I could run I would be at the dog track today, not messing around with this cricket lark!!!

Joke

George Michael is asked if he has any sporting ambition..."yes he says to play in goals for Dublin at the hill 16 end" and asked why he replied "because i would have 14 assholes in front of me and 30000 pricks behind me!!!!"

Funny picture

TO MUCH BLACK TAR!!!!!!

Joke

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in some very sexy sexy lingerie "Tie me she purred" and you can do anything you want"

So he tied her up and went golfing!!!



A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house she slammed the door shut and shouted at the top of her lungs "honey pack your bags i won the lottery"

The husband said "Oh my god what should i pack beach stuff or mountain stuff?" doesn't matter she says just get out!!!



A polish immigrant went to the doctor to take an eye test for his drivers licence the optician showed him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ
can you read this? the doctor asked

Read it the polish guy replied ....i know the guy!!!!

Champion liar

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my career you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I'll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!"

time for a laugh

A guy went to the races and while
there he observed a Catholic priest who
went over to a greyhound and sprinkled
it with holy water.
The dog went on to win the race.
Before the next race he saw the priest
go over to another dog and sprinkle it
with holy water. Like the first it went on
to win.
The guy said to himself if the priest
sprinkles another dog with holy water I
am going to bet every penny I have on
it. Sure enough, the priest went over to
another dog and sprinkled it with holy
water.
So the guy went to a bookie and bet
every penny he had on it. Then the race
started and the dog the priest sprinkled
with holy water dropped dead just after
the start.
The guy was devastated. So he went
over to the priest and said, “What’s
going on here? The last two dogs you
sprinkled with holy water won, and this
last one you sprinkled dropped dead. I
had every penny I had on it’s nose!”
The priest replied, “You’re not
Roman Catholic, are you?”
The guy admitted he was not and
asked, “But, how do you know that?”
The priest said, “Because you don’t
know the difference between giving a
blessing and administering the last rights"!!!!!!!

think about it!!

i found this little poem and i thought i would post it its very well put together

The art of greyhound racing can take many, many forms
To be the perfect trainer is to what we must conform
And each of us has different ways to make the buggers go
Be they right or be they wrong, the dogs the one to know
We can run them round in circles, we can slip ‘em up a straight
Walk ‘em miles and miles each day, that way we both lose weight
Fill ‘em up with vitamins, the As, the Bs, the Cs
Scrum ‘em, wash ‘em, clean ‘em and keep ‘em free of fleas
Yes, we all know how to train ‘em, how to get them fit and trim
We can see their coat is shiny, next time out they’re sure to win
We watch them crap each morning to see the textures right
Then we scrub and clean the kennels and see them late at night
Drive them to the trial track in an air-conditioned van
Then stand out in the boiling sun with a stopwatch in your hand
Waiting, ever waiting for that champion dog to show
But today they’re only average, yet I’ll make the buggers go
Then breed another litter from a sire of some renown
Watch them grow from little whelps to a full sized racing hound
See them gallop in the yards and note their stylish gait
Dream of what they might achieve when it’s time for them to race
Take them from the rearing yards, this is when the fun begins
Teach them how to kennel and prepare to break them in
Cross your fingers, legs and toes and say a prayer or two
Then drop them in behind the lure and hope the buggers go
A daunting sort of exercise this breaking in can be
They will, they won’t, they can but don’t, some just simply please
Trial on, trial track to track, you’re a tourist on the run
Your nerves are taut to snapping point and still we feel it’s fun
You think you’ve really worked them out, the slowies from the fast
And the dream of racing champions soon is coming true at last
It’s then that Murphy’s Law sets in, there’s things you didn’t know
It’s harder in a four-dog field to make the buggers go
Advice comes to you quickly from observers of your plight
It makes you stop and wonder are your training methods right
Should I box him, should I slip him, should I put him with a mate
Should I put him round a circle, should I send him up the straight
You start to tear your hair out, you’re frustrated, you’re confused
And still they keep advising til someone gets abused
It’s then you take the right step, the one you surely know
And use the time worn methods to make the buggers go
Then comes the day of reckoning, the day you’ve waited for
Their names are back, you’ve got ‘em fit, they’ll win a few for sure
You nominate for maiden stakes, on anxiety you thrive
The draw comes out and what the heck, you draw the dreaded five
And just to add a little weight to the hand of Murphy’s Law
The favourite has the box to suit and there’s a widey in the four
It’s then you know that racing dogs is luck, not what you know
Yes, the seven other trainers, too, can make the buggers go
by owen edmonds

classifieds on greyhound-data

Now we have all seen dogs over hyped on the classifieds to try and sell them e.g her brother is breaking track records in uk.... her dam was a first cousin to a derby winner ect ect

but i have to laugh when i saw this one posted

AVERY KENNEL SCALES
This is a set of Avery Scales which would grace any kennel. They have been well used over the years while I had greyhounds and have weighed classic and multiple open race winners including an English Derby and Irish Easter Cup Winner now they probably are a fine set of scales

hilarious!!!!!!!!